“Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it’ll always get you the right ones.” -John Lennon
I had no friends.
I used to think I didn’t have the energy for socializing.
Or rather, friendship was the thing I must sacrifice to get ahead.
Having lots of friends was for extroverts who weren’t focused on their goals. It was a distraction, a way to fill time when you were not working on something interesting.
Then, I evolved towards seeing it as something that only happened after a period of diligent isolation- a nirvana reached after years of masochistic solitude.
You grind, then you relax.
Work hard, then play hard.
I was afraid…
It took a lot of time to realize that isolating myself wasn’t entirely a manifestation of discipline. Actually, it was also a manifestation of fear.
I was afraid to step out of my comfort zone, to open up to others and maybe realize I was the shallow one.
If I had only tried, I could have held an intelligent conversation with my peers. It would have likely made me happier, less stressed.
Now, with a tragic retrospective paradox, I even think it could have helped me get to where I wanted to go even faster.
Fast-Forward
Fast forward to 2026, and I’m happy to announce that I’ve built some beautiful friendships which I look forward to nurturing even after graduation.
I have made memories with my friends.
We have traveled together, lived together, wrestled with life together.
Most of all though, my friends have inspired me to step into an even better version of myself. Around them, I don’t shrink or “assimilate”.
I actually want to reach even higher.
What happened in between?
Looking back, the way I feel now about the importance of friendship in my life has gone through a huge evolution.
It’s a complete 180 degree turn from what I used to think about connection with others.
In fact, where I used to feel constricted, I now feel liberated.
Turns out, it’s just as Marcus Aurelius states, “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”
I used to see friendship as an energy drain, but now I see it as an energy source.
So what happened to change my mind?
#1: Identifying the types of friendships that would add energy
A big step for me was realizing that not all friendship is created equal.
Sometimes friends are there for just a season of your life. Other times friends have known you since you were still learning how to spell your name, and will nevertheless be invited to your wedding one day.
There are friends that you outgrow because you no longer form the same clique you did in high school. Then there are the friends who you meet later in life, who you probably wouldn’t have given any thought as a kid.
Aristotle gives us a name for all these different types of friendship, and a roadmap for what these relationships can mean.
Friendships Of Utility (“But What Can You Do For Me?” Energy)
Remember being in elementary school and watching what other people pulled out of their lunchboxes?
There would be the kids with healthy crunchy-granola snacks, and then the kid with Nutella and pretzels.
It’s incredible what an eight-year-old would do for just a bit of Nutella, but there you go.
Sometimes friendship is just based on wanting someone to share their snacks with you.
It’s transactional, quantitative, and surface-level.
The second that kid’s mom stops sending Nutella or chocolate chip cookies, there is no basis to the friendship.
Your rich friend no longer has a swimming pool, and now people are mysteriously less eager to hang out.
Maybe now the exam is over, so the person who was so eager to copy your notes a day ago suddenly has no interest in going out for lunch over the weekend.
Friendships Of Pleasure (“Same Place, Same Time” Energy)
This is your “work bestie” who practically feeds you all the juicy office gossip intravenously.
It’s that girl who you used to sit next to you in chemistry in sixth grade, who used to play “MASH” with you on the back of your homework.
These are the friends you meet because your paths cross, and your circumstances are similar. Maybe they will blossom into something more, after you graduate, change jobs, or move away.
But a lot of times, they simply fade.
If you’re not at the same workplace, with the same gossip and the same entertaining characters, you are left with nothing to talk about, and the spark that once bonded you together is gone.
Unlike friendships of utility, you aren’t trying to extract something from the other person. You actually like talking to them and spending time with them.
It’s just…you won’t be putting in a huge amount of effort to keep the relationship going once you go separate ways.
Friendships Of Virtue (“Platonic Soulmate” Energy)
These are the lifelong friends founded on character and (you guessed it) virtue.
When I talk about life-changing friendships, these are the ones I mean.
They will be invited to your hypothetical future baby’s second birthday. When you’re planning a vacation, you will probably consider visiting their city. They will answer your call at 3am and talk you out of existential dread. If you are going through turmoil, they will be the ones holding the box of tissues.
After months of living your own life, it’s still easy to fall right back into the rhythm of things. Talking to them is never awkward.
In fact, you want to make the effort to keep your friendship alive.
…Because your friendship is one of those things keeping you alive.
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
-Henri Nouwen
#2: I realized that a life resume > a work resume.
The first time I heard Jesse Itzler’s idea of a “life resume”, my entire paradigm for thinking about goals shifted.
Rather than goals being a means to making more money, sculpting a hotter body, or “winning” at some flashy professional game, I realized that goals were also tools to flourish at the “life” part.
This idea of a “life resume” is not about the small habits that accumulate every day, but about the crazy milestones, like hiking the Appalachian trail, or backpacking across Asia, or skydiving, or setting a new world record in eating umeboshi- just for fun!
It’s the things you will probably still be talking about in twenty years, those once-in-a-lifetime adventures that stay with you forever.
“Did she really do that?” future generations will ask.
Yup. With a glimmer in your eye, you certainly did.
Friends give you the energy to tackle a life resume.
Before I met all the friends I have now, there were so many bucket list items that were simply not even on my radar.
Now, 2 years into my university journey with Minerva, I have managed to hike Mt. Fuji, scuba dive in Okinawa, attend several hackathons, and sample several new hobbies (including swing dancing!).
None of it is aimed at some professional KPI or some flashy new line on my CV.
It’s about my life resume, and making each passing month and year a story I would be proud to pass on.
And my friends made it possible.
#3: I met like-minded and interesting people in college. They made me a better human.
I accidentally stumbled into an incredible community, and have been reaping the benefits of it since I joined.
It’s a normal experience for me to feel deep admiration for the things my peers are working on, to ask them how they do it so that I can get better too.
They are starting companies and non-profits, training competitively at a high level, traveling and adventuring all around the world, making profoundly beautiful art, and all the while, joining me for the occasional 3am ramen.
Realizing that it was actually possible to find friends that could inspire me so much made me realize the difference friendship makes…even as an introvert, even as a go-getter, even as a nerd.
“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Friendship gives you the energy to live more fully. Here’s how to find it.
Finding cool friends is a “chicken or the egg” type problem, because really, when it comes to connection and purpose, we see a reinforcing feedback loop.
When you spend time doing the things that light you up, you attract those people.
But when you spend time around the people you admire, you will likely spend your time a little more similarly to them.
“Are You Really the Average of the 5 People You Spend the Most Time With?”, this Psychology Today article ponders.
The answer, invariably, is “it’s a little more complicated”.
However, there is a tried-and-true approach you can steal. “Friends are drawn to your purpose,” Dr. Grumet, author of the article explains. “Not the reason you find it.”
So the answer is simple: if you want to find those amazing friends that inspire you to new heights, start with your purpose.
Do the cool, weird, strange, exhilarating, scary, fun activities.
See who shows up to do them with you.
Be excited to meet new friends when you do them.
You never know who you’ll end up climbing the next mountain with.
Thought to Action
- Map Your Overlaps: List five communities, interests, or identities you partially belong to. Let “partial” be enough.
- Reach Out Sideways: Send one low-stakes message to someone you admire, not to impress them, just to connect.
- Practice Being the Initiator: Plan something small (coffee, walk, shared doc, group chat). Belonging often starts with logistics.
- Notice Where You Already Belong: Write down one place you feel even 10% more like yourself. Spend more time there.
- Release the Perfect Fit Myth: Remind yourself: belonging is often built, not discovered.
Sources
Grumet, Jordan. “Are You Really the Average of the 5 People You Spend the Most Time With?” Psychology Today, 2025, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-regret-free-life/202508/you-arent-a-product-of-the-5-people-you-spend-time-with. Accessed 6 Mar. 2026.
Maden, Jack. “Aristotle on the 3 Types of Friendship (and How Each Enriches Life) | Philosophy Break.” Philosophybreak.com, July 2023, philosophybreak.com/articles/aristotle-on-the-3-types-of-friendship-and-how-they-enrich-life/.
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