“He that gives good advice, builds with one hand; he that gives good counsel and example, builds with both; but he that gives good admonition and bad example, builds with one hand and pulls down with the other.” -Francis Bacon

My Hottest Take

It is my hottest take: the hardest part about unsolicited advice isn’t giving it… or even getting it. 

The hardest part is discerning between the advice that only sounds good, and the advice that will actually help you make the right decisions. 

And if you’re a people pleaser, it’s even harder. 

Decisions, decisions…

I remember being seventeen, and feeling paralyzed in this endless matrix of possibilities that was my life after high school.

What would I study? Where would I apply? Which friends were doing what? Could I succeed in that field? Was I smart enough? Would I get in?

Then, on top of the endless list of questions I didn’t have the answer to, it seemed everyone else wanted to provide an answer for me. 

Of course, it came from the best place, but how on earth was I supposed to sift through it all and get to a meaningful answer?

It was then, that as a seventeen-year-old about to get thrown into the “real world”, that I learned something crucial: you can’t take everyone’s advice. 

I mean, it’s literally impossible. 

“Do what you’re good at” was often at odds with “study something that will keep the doors open”. 

“Choose the safest option” conflicted wildly with “go where you will find your ‘tribe’”.

“Relax, and savor the last months of high school” opposed “study hard for your A-level exams”.

I was perplexed, and the illusion that I could somehow make everyone happy made me feel even worse about not achieving it. 

Fast forward years later, and I’m pretty happy with my decisions. 

So my advice for anyone getting the deluge of unsolicited opinions?

Learn how to decide what advice to take, because not all of it applies in your specific context.

“I was perplexed, and the illusion that I could somehow make everyone happy made me feel even worse about not achieving it.”

Who can give you good advice?

Generally, my first instinct is to consider the source of advice. 

Ask: Does the person giving this advice have experience that backs up what they’re saying?

If you’re applying to medical school, and someone practicing medicine gives you advice, their opinion is probably more credible than someone who instead studied accounting. 

Similarly, if you’re having a baby, maybe it would be wise to take parenting advice from your mother rather than your aunt who never had children. 

Maybe a person with incredible mobility and energy at seventy-six years old will have some good health advice, compared with a thirty-year old who is out of breath just walking up the stairs. 

Consider whether the person giving you advice is speaking out of turn, or even out of judgment.

Are they jealous of you? 

Do they worry about how your failure will reflect on them? 

Is there a way in which they live vicariously through you, and need you to satiate their regrets?

Do they love you, and want you to not make a terrible mistake?

Once you know that even someone with good intentions can give bad advice, take the time to really think about how heavily to weigh what another person thinks. 

Making Space

I used to make big decisions loudly, seeking constant reassurance, even from strangers. Even when I “knew” my decision, I didn’t allow myself to move into action. Not truly. 

I would second-guess and ask for yet another opinion, even though I was really only hoping for more permission to pursue the choice I already wanted to make. 

Instead, here’s what I should have done, and what I do now, whenever I make an important decision: pause. 

No, don’t bring it up in conversation with your friends at brunch. Don’t call your mom at 3am to get her opinion. 

Not yet, at least. 

Wait a few days, a week or two. 

Let the feeling of your choices settle in your body. Are you excited? A bit nervous? Does it fill you with dread? 

Sometimes the feelings conflict, and sometimes they tell you everything you need to know, but regardless, at least now you know where you stand, how you feel.

Let that be your North star, because, after all, this is your life. 

Some of the WORST advice I’ve ever gotten

Now, let me tell you some advice I’ve gotten in my own life that sounded good at first, but ended up being confusing and misleading at the time. 

#1: “Be realistic.”

What counts as “realistic” is subjective, and often, the advice to “be realistic” just reinforces acting from a place of fear. 

Building the life of your dreams takes courage. 

…So don’t worry too much about being “realistic”.

Instead, take the biggest risks when you’re young and unencumbered with dogs, kids, and a mortgage! 

If you fail, you still have the flexibility and time to start over again. 

(WARNING: In a different context and for a different person, maybe this is great advice.) 

#2: “Speak your mind.”

Sometimes you don’t know what on earth you’re talking about. 

So have the grace to at least know when you don’t know what you’re talking about. 

In those cases, keep your mouth shut and listen.

(WARNING: In a different context and for a different person, this is the exact encouragement they need.) 

#3: “Stray from the crowd.”

Figure out why the crowd is going that way before straying. 

I mean, there is probably a reason. Once you know the reason, then decide whether to rebel. 

After all, conformity pays sometimes.  

…And don’t worry- there’s still lots more opportunities to stand apart.

(WARNING: As everyone’s moms’ have recited at least once, “If So-And-So jumped off a bridge, does that mean you would too?”) 

#4: “Forgive and forget.”

When people show you who they are, listen. 

Don’t constantly put yourself back in the same situation to be hurt again. 

Even if it isn’t as extreme as blocking, asking or manufacturing space from someone so that you can heal is not petty. 

It’s protecting your peace, which is more important than maintaining a connection that is hurting you. 

(WARNING: In a different context and for a different person, it might pay to let go of a grudge.) 

#5: “No pain, no gain.”

Actually, sometimes you’re making your life harder than it has to be, and the “pain” is completely unnecessary.

Sometimes pain is just pain and sacrifice is just sacrifice. 

We often expect suffering to be paired with delayed gratification, but there are a lot of cases when the two are not tied at all. 

Worse yet, sometimes making life “hurt more” can even sabotage your success and happiness. 

(WARNING: In a different context and for a different person, it will pay to push yourself outside of your comfort zone to discover what you didn’t even realize you were capable of.) 

#6: “Never give up.”

There are times when breaking up, getting divorced, quitting your job, saying no to a commitment, and letting people down is actually better.

Why?

Because it means saying “yes” to what’s actually right for you when the time comes.

Let’s not make it “never” give up or “always” give up, but rather, know when to give up.

(WARNING: Sometimes it’s best to persevere through a struggle.) 

#7: “Be as productive as possible.”

Being fully immersed in “life” is often inefficient.

However, paradoxically, these inefficiencies can make life more full in the long term. 

Spending less time responding to emails in the evening could mean you are less “productive”, but more present with your family. 

Taking time to read and have a cup of tea means you’re not on Instagram keeping up with the reels your mom is sending you, but it also means you get to sit outside with your dog and an army of potted herbs, and breathe in fresh air. 

Every time you spend your time doing a task, you are choosing to not be doing something else. 

Think about what you would rather say no to, because if you don’t, the world will make the decision for you.

When we measure our life worth against a metric that prioritizes being busy over being truly alive, we end up sacrificing our humanity. 

And in the end, what is all the productivity for if you can’t embrace the part of life that is actually about “living”?

(WARNING: Pay your bills.) 

“Every time you spend your time doing a task, you are choosing to not be doing something else.”

#8: “Try to assimilate so you can make friends.”

Don’t change who you are just to hold onto friends who don’t even care about you that much.

People will respect you and be attracted to you more if you lean into your flavor of weird rather than away from it. 

And in staying true to your weirdness, you will attract even cooler, more aligned friends.

(WARNING: This means you still have to go outside and talk to new people.) 

Take Ownership Of Your Decisions

I’m under no illusions that it’s incredibly scary to lead a life that doesn’t follow the cookie-cutter mold society has laid out for us. 

It’s scary to think you might make a huge, irreversible mistake that dooms you for all eternity. 

Wandering away from the “normal” path that all your childhood friends are taking is lonely. 

It’s so easy to second-guess yourself, to feel despondent when your unprecedented courage is met only with suffocating doubt.

The archetypal hero’s journey tells us that once we slay the dragon, we are meant to ride off into the sunset living happily ever after. 

However, real life is more messy than that, and the certainty that you made the right choice is not something that comes all at once. 

It’s slow, it’s gradual, it’s a pendulum swing from one day to the other. 

But when you take ownership of your decisions, and of what advice to consider when you make them, you will know that regardless of whether you make the biggest mistake, or unlock the highest bliss, the decision will belong fully to you.

“…if you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don’t need advice.” – Laurence J. Peter

Thought to Action

1. Track Energy, Not Interests: For one week, note what gives you energy and what drains it. Patterns reveal more than labels.
2. Run a Passion Experiment: Choose one small action that tests a curiosity (not a career decision). Give it a deadline.
3. Separate Skill From Identity: You don’t need to be “good” at something for it to matter to you.
4. Design a Tiny Version of the Dream: Ask: what would the smallest, cheapest version of this life look like right now?
5. Let Passion Be Built: Treat interest as something you cultivate, not something you wait to discover.

Sources

No external sources were used for this post.

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