“Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can.” ­— Paul Tournier

Growing up never ends.

There is nothing like the disgusting and raw feeling of emotional and spiritual growing pains to reshape the way confidence looks for you. 

For my younger self, confidence used to mean looking and behaving with power. 

It was Beyoncé-superbowl-halftime-showing your whole life, every single day. Confidence was a sick leather jacket and red lipstick that could slice through steel. 

It was denim, or ripped denim better yet. 

Confidence used to mean being loud, fiery, and unstoppable.

Then, I had what I will lovingly refer to as “character-building experiences”, which are, of course, the parts of growing up that we all wish we could fast-forward through. 

It’s the friendship breakups, the romantic breakups, the moving-aways, the not getting to say goodbye to your favorite family pet, the getting rejected from cool opportunities and being jealous of your friends, hating that you’re jealous of your friends, feeling like no one else is getting rejected like you’re getting rejected, the constant FOMO because you haven’t done X thing yet. 

Life happened, I guess, and every time “life happened”, my idea of what confidence actually was shifted.

Confidence As A System For Building A Life Others Haven’t Seen Yet.

In theory, we all want to lead big lives and do amazing things. 

The trouble is, you often can’t get there by doing exactly the same thing as everyone else. Duh, you’re thinking. 

The thing is, doing something different is actually really really hard. 

That’s why now, I think of confidence not as an unchanging emotional state, but as a series of systems you put into your life to mitigate those emotions and increase your chances of success. 

What does that mean?

It means you can be confident, and still heartbroken. 

You can be confident and still afraid. 

You can be confident, and still feel overwhelmed. 

And here’s a crazy one- you can be confident and still shy. 

Ultimately, confidence is about how you move through those emotions, and what your response looks like. 

Steal this confidence hack. 

My most recent “character-building” experience was a few months ago, and involved a lot of crying and angry ranting. 

It is then that I developed a beautiful new hack to build back my confidence and get me through the subsequent months of healing: sending my future self pep talk emails.

Um…what??

Okay, I know it sounds weird. I won’t sit here and tell you that it isn’t. 

But weird works. 

When I send my future self emails, it has two effects. 

Firstly, it’s forcing me to imagine myself in the future and think about where I want to be then (emotionally, professionally, academically, etc.). Simply realizing there will be a time when my current challenges are removed already helps me feel like the world isn’t ending. 

Secondly, receiving emails from my past self- whether it was a month ago, a week ago, or a day ago- highlights to me how much progress I have actually made.

A lot of times, it’s easy to overlook this because we are caught up in what we need to do now, and on how big the gap is between our current and desired states. 

Nevertheless, it’s still valuable to remember that you’re probably currently in the desired state of some past version of yourself. 

Celebrating that can give you the energy to give your future self the same gift. 

How It Works

#1: Write the email using the following template:

To: [insert here either the same email you’re sending it from, or another email address that goes to you. I send these emails from my personal email to my school email.]

Subject: [It can be whatever you want. Subject lines like “Letter From You 10 Days Ago” or “Keep up the great work! I’m proud of you.” all work.

Message:

Dear [insert here your name] from [insert here the date your future self will receive the message],

[Insert here the body of the message. Make it 5-7 sentences long ideally, and write something you know your future self will need to hear. For example, at the end of a busy semester, I told my future self (now past self) that she was doing great, and I was proud of her.]

Love,

You from [Insert here the date you sent the message.]

#2: Right next to the send button, press the arrow that allows you to do a scheduled send. Click it, and click the date you want your future self to receive the email. 

#3: Now forget about it. Later on, when you see the message in your inbox, you will have a nice time hearing from yourself. I know it sounds silly, but it works.

Confidence is a system, not an emotional state. (But it’s a system which will create an emotional state!)

One of the beautiful things that happen when you finally let go of this idea that confidence is about always feeling a certain way is that you turn your focus onto habits that naturally create those feelings as a byproduct. 

Sending myself emails is by no means the only habit I incorporate into my life to feel better when things are hard.

Nor does it make the sadness, heartbreak, or sense of overwhelm magically disappear. 

Here’s what it does accomplish: hope. 

And sometimes, a little nudge of hope from your past self is all you need to invest in those tiny decisions that cumulatively get you out of a rut. 

Thought to Action

1. Pause and Write Your “Failure Archive”: List three things you tried that didn’t go as planned this year. Don’t fix them. Instead, just name them and how they made you feel.
2. Reframe Effort as Evidence: Track one kind of effort for two weeks (reading time, daily creative minutes, meaningful talks). Let the action be the metric, not just the outcome.
3. Create a “Growth Pause”: Pick one thing you’ll do less of (doomscrolling, chores as avoidance). Put a boundary around it and note what space that creates for something nourishing. 
4. Rediscover Joy in the Small and Slow: Read one short piece of writing without pressure—no speed goals, no expectations.
5. Set One “Next Try Intent”: Choose one thing from your failure archive and decide a small, doable step you’ll try next quarter — no perfection, just continuation.

Sources

No external sources were used for this post.

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